Memento A Memoir of Dr Temperance Brennan
by VanishRain
Summary: Writing her last novel, Brennan reflects on the impact her partner had on her and how much she really loved him. COMPLETE.


It is not until you lose someone that you realize the stake they had in your life. Believe me; I know that all too well. I may be a brilliant anthropologist but I really am dense… very dense. How hard is to know someone likes you… loves, loves you. He loved me. Yes. I loved him… No! I love him! But all that changed the one day he decided he had enough. Enough of my running, my ramblings about love, my awkward way of speaking, he had enough of me.

I had known for years that we had a special bond. It was around the time that he faked his death that I realized I was in love. And not that little kid stuff, I was full blown head over heels for the man. But that is not the correct way for a professional to act is it? Nope, so I played it off. I went on probably hundreds of failed dates in six months. I tried my hardest to push back the feelings I had for him there was not a man that gave me the spark he did. None of them. Instead I was left with a large empty bed and numerous empty boxes of tissues. It may not have been the most rational thing in the world to do but crying myself to sleep had become my routine.

Although neither of us would admit that we were the first, after months of late night talks and numerous dinners we stopped telling people we were just partners. We just let people come to their conclusions. Years later I will admit, I stopped saying anything long before he did. It never came up but we filled in for any relationship the other needed. Well except sexually. I suggested it on numerous occasions but he never felt the need to release those biological urges. He would ramble on about making love then would start talking about sports statistics. I never quite understood why but if it kept him sane it was good enough. If I knew then what I know now I would have refused to take no for an answer. But we always have the right answers after the fact don't we? Everything in my life seemed to fit perfectly, for the first time in my life I was truly happy.

Until that day.

Everyone says it was the bullet that killed him. That he never saw it coming. I know they are trying to lesson my blow, I know they are just trying to comfort me. But the tears are never ceasing. I know the truth. He just gave up. He had enough and couldn't live his life. Parker moved away years ago and after years of chasing me he moved on with his life. After a few failed relationships he realized he didn't have anything to live for anymore. He was living his life day to day but not really living. The glimmer in his eyes faded and I knew I lost him forever. I lost my soul, my everything. The bullet was just a sweet relief for a man who never caught a break.

So as I lay a single rose on his grave I know that day I died too. I just go through the day to day motions. They say it is grieving but I know the truth. Seeley Booth was my everything, my heart, my soul, my life. I cling on to the pendant they gave me at the funeral as if my life depended on it. It does depend on it, my life depends on him. There is not a day goes by that the small piece of metal is not by my side.

I know if he saw me today he would be proud. For all the times he crammed religion down my throat, he would be surprised to learn that I now attend mass daily. It may be that it reminds me of him or the solitude of it all but that small chapel is the one place I feel at peace with my life. I have retired from a life of crime solving. I never had much drive to be with any other agent. They tried to push me, to try to get me to heal, but I just spent my days in Limbo.

Now that my life has come and went, I have learned the truth about life, love and happiness. I know the only answers I needed were found in a strong, determined Special Agent that taught me what living was really about. Now that my life is without him I will spend the rest of my days living in the memories of what could have been.

I know without that man I would not be the woman I am today. I cannot imagine the woman that I would have been without him. I may have always pushed him but he always pushed me back. He always knew what to say and when words were not needed. He quickly stole my heart, a heart that I would have given freely, and I know he will always keep it safe in the hands of an angel.

As my last book comes to a close I would like to thank everyone I have ever worked with. They have shaped me in each of own ways. I may have not said thank you at that time but if you read this, thank you. And to all my readers, I thank you from the depths of my heart for staying with me and giving me the encouragement to push through the rough spots in my life. And to Booth, I owe you my life and much more than anything words could describe. I love you with all of my being and I hope that is enough. I hope I was enough.

One last thing, Booth I know even in death you are watching over me. You have and always will be my guardian angel. And I would like you to know you were right, you were always right. Andy was and will always be based on you. Although he could never come close to being the man you have become. There is no one who could come close to the man you were, ever.

Dr. Temperance Brennan, PhD


End file.
